Author: Laura Crowley

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The Lying Bison: Your weekly Dose of Satire

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By Ethan Weber

It is no secret that the University likes to be on top. The school ranks among the most prestigious–and most expensive–institutions of higher learning in the United States. It is also listed as one of the most attractive campuses in the country. Topping the lists is a cutthroat game, and in the past months the admissions office has been rocked by a scandal concerning one list in particular.

“We’ve definitely come under a lot of fire lately,” said Hugh Helfer, vice president of enrollment. “People have been demanding answers ever since it was leaked that we’ve been accepting female students based partly on their looks. Yes, we have rigorous academic standards, too, but people fail to understand the importance of homogeny at Bucknell. We’re one of the most attractive campuses there is, and I’m not talking about quads, I’m talking about calves. I’m talking about maintaining or improving our rank of number 26 on College Prowler’s ‘Hottest Girls’ list. I mean, they gave us an A+, for crying out loud.”

“We make most of our admissions decisions while listening to ‘Legs’ by ZZ Top,” Merv Hunter, an admissions officer, elaborated. “We take two things into account: whether or not ‘she’s got legs’ and whether or not ‘she knows how to use them.’ ZZ Top is very explicit about these qualifications, and so are we.”

“Of course,” Helfer added, “we don’t see pictures of the applicants. That would be chauvinistic. Instead, we use the applicant’s extracurricular activities to determine what she might look like. We look for things like track and field, swimming and gymnastics.”

Since learning of this process, many have expressed anger toward the institution, calling it a “boys club” and “the grotto on the Susquehanna.” Helfer and Hunter take exception to such accusations.

“Critics of our policy, which has been in place for decades, do not appreciate the importance of the status quo in allowing for the survival of Bucknell as we know it,” Helfer said. “Girls here must be attractive enough to be used as a commodity for admission to parties. Without such girls, no one would be able to get in and there would be no parties, nothing to do whatsoever. No one would want to come here, and the University would turn into Bennington College.”

At the time of printing, Helfer and Hunter were reviewing applications while blasting “Legs” and playing air guitar.

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Arts & Life Columns

Trend Report: Valentine’s Day

By Kate Jansen

Whether you’re going out with a group of girlfriends or on a dinner date with your beau, Valentine’s Day is certainly a holiday to dress up for (or dress down for, if you’re planning on spending it with Ben & Jerry). Here are some tips for keeping your V-Day especially chic.

Something red: It wouldn’t be right to not wear red on Valentine’s Day. Luckily, red has been one of this winter’s most sought-after colors. Personally, I find that red looks good in any material, especially velvet. If you’re stuck on where to look for your Valentine’s Day statement piece, check out Urban Outfitters. They have an entire section devoted to Valentine’s Day attire, including bright red dresses with sexy low backs and sweetheart necklines.

Lots of lace: A lace tee, dress or skirt adds feminine flair to an otherwise everyday ensemble. If you’re planning on going out for dinner with friends, pair a lace top with a mini skirt and a leather jacket. This flirtatious look still resonates with Valentine’s Day.

Don’t be modest when it comes to accessorizing: Layer strands of pearls around your neck, slide gold or silver bangles around your wrists and wear sparkly stones on your ears. If you are planning on finding a new special someone on Valentine’s Day, you might as well be flaunting your best!

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Arts & Life

University hosts celebration of MLK

 

Estie Pyper | The BucknellianProfessor Arthur Flowers, key note speaker from Syracuse, pays tribute to King.
Estie Pyper | The Bucknellian
Professor Arthur Flowers, key note speaker from Syracuse, pays tribute to King.

By Christina Oddo

Martin Luther King, Jr. used the term the “Beloved Community” to describe a non-prejudiced world in which people could share wealth, and in which people considered one another brothers and sisters. This month the University is having “A Celebration in Blue,” co-sponsored by the Griot Institute for Africana Studies, to honor Black History Month. The “Beloved” dinner started off the celebration on Jan. 28 in the Weis Center for the Performing Arts lobby.

According to Caesar Vulley ’15, a student speaker at the event, both the lives and goals of Mother Teresa and Martin Luther King, Jr. involved the definition of success as having little to do with themselves and more to do with working for the good of others.

“I was of the opinion that, while these are valid life goals, the Beloved Community that Dr. King sacrificed his life for cannot, and will not, be sustained if we continue to think only about ourselves and little about how we can make positive impacts in the lives of those around us,” Vulley said. “I developed this opinion after I came across the quote from Mother Teresa that said ‘A life is not worth living unless it is lived for others.’”

The event included a talk by keynote speaker Arthur Flowers from Syracuse University. Caesar Vulley ’15 spoke, Beyond Union performed, Oompa Williams ’13 read poetry, Mislav Forrester ’13 played the trumpet.

“I became involved through an internship I did in a detention facility last summer teaching juvenile delinquents from D.C. how to read and providing mentorship to them,” Vulley said. “I wrote an essay for the Dean when I finished the internship and shared the experience with Nancy Orbison of Residential Education. They thought my story was worth sharing, hence the invitation from Vincent Stephens, Director of MSS, to speak at the dinner.”

“It was a great event that captured the spirit of both remembering Martin Luther King, Jr. and continuing his legacy,” Beyond Unison member Allison Benoit ’13 said.

The group closed the dinner with its renditions of “Godspeed,” originally by Radney Foster, with soloist Taylor Schumann ’16, as well as “Ain’t No Sunshine,” originally by Bill Withers, with soloist Nate Fanzone ’13.

“The event was amazing,” Williams said. “From the planning to the execution of the blues theme, I think this was quite a successful commemorative Martin Luther King dinner.”

Williams found Flowers’ words remarkable and a perfect finale to the show.

“He was so powerful in explaining blues as ‘a way to get through the blues,’” Williams said. “He talked about the oral tradition as being central to the teaching and learning of the African/African-American culture. He mentioned how the western tradition of literature, and the formulaic approach to the spoken word has become important over time, and how his professional intention is to bridge the two worlds. But he emphasized and exhibited the importance of the oral tradition by not giving a lecture or a keynote speech in the western sense, but completely catering to the music and folkloric style of the African-American culture. He explained to us the way in which Martin Luther King, Jr. was completely aware of this tradition, and the way in which he embodied the blues himself.”

Williams read at last year’s dinner and was asked again to speak at this semester’s event. She wrote with the intention of seeing what would come naturally when thinking about both Martin Luther King, Jr. and the blues.

“I read an original poem that is temporarily entitled ‘Repeat’ in which I attempted to mimic the way a song is organized and cyclic in its nature,” Williams said.

Williams found Assistant Director of Community Service Lynn Pierson’s speech motivational. Pierson explained the importance of becoming involved in service projects and the necessity to keep such projects as an ongoing dedication, a lifestyle and not a one-time deal.

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Arts & Life Columns Humor Rees' Pieces

Rees’ Pieces

Ben Rees

Digging Deep

The Pyramids of Giza, the ruins of Machu Picchu, the lost city of Troy and the ancient Mesopotamian structures that dot the Middle East are all massive archaeological finds and undertakings. These seemingly otherworldly realms remind us of what we used to be and symbolize the forward progress of humanity spanning over millennia.

Imagine three thousand years from now, someone burlier than Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones is digging through the rubble over what used to be Miami. What would he find?  There would obviously be ancient structures, strange skeletons of organisms past and words from some dead language scattering the buildings and streets. These things are not all the archaeologist would discover. He would come across a myriad objects made of the same odd material: plastic. Amongst the rubble rest water bottles (BPA free of course), empty Target bags and more trinkets than one could ever imagine. Is this the most idolatrous society to have ever lived or is this strange material simply the vessel that brought on its downfall? The sad answer is that it is neither. Instead of discovering beautiful pottery or magnificent tapestries depicting daily life, all the archaeologist will hear is: “Docta Jones, Docta Jones! What is Furbee?”

I am no environmentalist, nor am I one to forgo a good plastic spoon instead of doing the dishes, but I do think we humans need to plan for the long haul when it comes to our advertising and design. If some poor soul were to unearth Chicago 2,000 years from now, he would think, based on our billboards of course, that we were the most alcoholic, law-suit filing, pretentious group of people to have ever lived. I don’t mean to say that we aren’t all of those things, but let’s at least attempt to make people in the future believe otherwise. 

Simply put, while we currently search for ancient water gathering tools on parched river beds, people millennia from now will be finding jellyfish without legs that say WalMart, and strange rubber disposables that resemble snake skins, which come in all sizes, textures and colors.

I propose that we begin planning for the long haul. We must make ourselves look good for generations and centuries to come. There are certain things that should remain, as they perpetuate a positive image. The American Girl Store, Major League Baseball and Gatorade are all products and organizations that contribute to the greater, more attractive good. On the other hand, places like PINK must go. 

All in all, people of this day and age have done an immense amount. Our productivity, technology and global nature greatly overshadow many of the developments made in the past. Although we have contributed magnificently to the track record of the human race, all will be for naught if we fail to eliminate or modify the objects we leave behind. Nobody will remember how the iPad made it easier for radiologists to show and share x-rays if all that can be found in the rubble of Boston, Mass. is a plastic pair of white sunglasses and a half-empty tube of puffy paint.

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Arts & Life Uncategorized

The Lying Bison: Your Weekly Dose of Satire

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Bucknell Discovers Untapped Market

By Ethan Weber

(Picture is on file)

Any student here who has walked home from the bar, a downtown or Gateway party, or who simply lives downhill has encountered The Flying Bison, the University’s diesel-guzzling oasis that stands ready to capitalize on the excessive alcohol consumption the University so frowns upon. Each weekend, hordes of drinkers skirt Public Safety SUVs and make their way to the front of Vedder Hall for a treat that will make their cotton mouths once again water. Yes, the University has certainly found a way to make economic lemonade out of the lemon that is the campus climate, and the vast assortment of beer, wine, martini and shot glasses available in the bookstore is a testament to that. However, there is one element of the University’s party culture that has yet to be exploited.

“Recent studies of the social habits of Bucknellians have shown that the students often smoke a plant called cannabis, also known as marijuana or ‘weed’ as the kids call it,” Heath Clifton, head of Bucknell’s Marketing Committee, said. “Of course, the University does not condone the use of this substance, but an interesting side effect of the drug is that it causes users to consume large quantities of food. ‘Stoners’ or ‘potheads,’ as they are called, also have an affinity for purchasing marijuana-related paraphernalia. The University no longer views these individuals simply as a menace to public safety. We now also see them as a demographic to which we can market all sorts of [crap]!”

As a result of these findings, the University has announced the launch of a second food truck, The Blazing Bison, which will specialize in satisfying the very munchies students are not supposed to have. The tentative menu includes Funyuns and Cheez Doodles, as well as straight-from-the-refrigerator specialties, such as leftover spaghetti and cold leftover pizza. Each menu item will cost exactly $4.20.

“The beauty of it is that, with the exception of snack chips, The Blazing Bison can be stocked almost entirely with food left over from Bostwick and The Bison,” Jonathan Macaslan, head of Bucknell Dining Services said. “It will cost very little to operate and will allow Dining Services to reduce food waste.”

As for the aforementioned paraphernalia, Clifton was excited to announce that “Bison Bongs” will soon be available at the bookstore.

“They’re going to be blue and have a picture of an orange bison with dreadlocks. We’re calling him Bob the Bison, after Bob Marley. Apparently that guy is really big with our demographic,” Clifton said. “We’re also thinking of selling roach clips that have orange and blue beads and feathers.”

However, Clifton wants to remind students that these items will not be allowed on campus.

“Like most merchandise in the bookstore, these things are intended as gifts for family and friends back home,” he said. “‘Bison Bongs,’ like Bucknell shot glasses, are something nice for Mom and Dad to buy when they visit or a way of letting Grandma and Grandpa know you’re thinking of them.”

Clifton wants to see ‘Bison Bongs’ on shelves by mid semester and The Blazing Bison parked downhill by early fall.

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Arts & Life Columns

Trend Report: Black, White & Orange All Over

By Kate Jansen

Contributing Writer

I must confess. I have recently been living vicariously through the models sporting spring dresses and open-toed pumps. This dismal wintry weather we’ve had for the past few weeks has definitely made me wish that spring would come sooner. In that respect, I think it would be appropriate to delve into spring’s hottest hues: black, white and orange.

Formal: Don’t be afraid to buy white heels this spring (it is technically before Labor Day). They can create an elegant, sophisticated look when paired with a black mini skirt and a chiffon or peplum top. Accessorize with gold or orange-tinged studs or cocktail rings to finish off the look.

Nautical: Keep an eye out for black and white stripes this season. Piperlime offers a great variety of black and white patterns, from maxi skirts to mini dresses. Polish off your look with a solid colored scarf. Accessorize with anchor-adorned bracelets and white watches, and top the outfit off with navy Topsiders and a solid orange tote bag. (For inexpensive accessories, check out Piperlime, Madewell and Urban Outfitters.)

Preppy: For a preppier flare, pick pieces in solid black, white or orange and pair them with bold statement jewelry. For example, pair an orange shift dress (see Piperlime) with a black statement necklace, a white blazer and neutral flats for a casual-chic look.

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Arts & Life Movies Review

Spielberg does it again

 

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

By Carolyn Williams

Steven Spielberg’s latest film, “Lincoln,” has been billed as a biopic of monumental proportions. In reality, it’s not so much a biography of Lincoln himself as a pointed interpretation of the process of passing the controversial Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution.

It’s 1865. Fresh off his 1864 reelection, Lincoln (Daniel Day-Lewis), is keen to push the proposed Thirteenth Amendment through the House of Representatives before the end of the Civil War. Realizing that completely abolishing slavery will only fly if the South has not reentered the Union to fight against its being passed, Lincoln knows the clock is ticking. The longer the war goes on, the more Americans on both sides die, but he just needs a little longer to serve morality. But just to be sure things turn out the way they should, Lincoln hires men to ensure certain Democrats vote his way.

The reality of the devastation wreaked by the Civil War is underscored by the Lincoln family’s own precarious happiness. With one son dead of illness three years before, and another desperate to join the cause, Lincoln only takes time out of his dizzying schedule to be with his youngest boy, Tad, who brings comic relief to most of his scenes. But Lincoln’s wife, Mary Todd Lincoln (Sally Fields) creates more problems than she helps solve, as she tries again and again to violently demonstrate her grief over her dead son, and her steadfast opposition to allowing Robert (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), the eldest, to assert his independence by fighting for his father’s cause. Her dubious mental health clearly weighs heavily upon Lincoln, another burden for an already overburdened man.

But Lincoln manages to keep his troops smiling, both on and off the battlefield. Day-Lewis’s Honest Abe is a homespun scholar, delighting in the sharing and telling of silly, but always pertinent anecdotes, and the occasional quoting of Shakespeare or Pythagoras. Day-Lewis attempts to reconcile the massive shadow of one of American history’s greatest men with the reality of the fallible human he actually was. And his performance is genuinely spectacular.

“[‘Lincoln’ was] eccentric, though Daniel Day Lewis’s performance as Lincoln is powerful nonetheless. He is the Lincoln we hope existed, charming yet sagacious, the beneficent father of America,” Liz Walker ’14 said.

To be frank, Spielberg bends the truth a little with “Lincoln,” not that we wouldn’t expect the same of any director with this sort of a film. Such a beloved figure as Lincoln inspires total confidence in an American audience, and Spielberg takes full advantage of this general understanding of one of our favorite presidents. There’s a reason he’s on both the penny and the five dollar bill, after all. But even if “Lincoln” glosses over some of history’s more realistic reasons for the passing of the Thirteenth Amendment, it does make a concerted effort to act somewhat believably. When asked what he’ll think when African Americans have their freedom, Lincoln replies, “Well, I suppose I’ll get used to it.” And we, his fans, suppose he would have.

But all factual inaccuracies aside, “Lincoln” is a blockbuster for a reason; it’s fantastic to watch. With sparkling dialogue and a stellar cast, (particularly Tommy Lee Jones as the recalcitrant radical Thaddeus Stevens), “Lincoln” is a pleasure.

“Spielberg has done it again. ‘Lincoln’ took a historically powerful and intimate look at one of America’s favorite presidents. Recommend to all!” Emily Conners ’14 said.

Honestly, whether you’re a history buff or not, I can’t see many people disliking this movie; it’s just that good, and definitely one of this year’s strongest Oscar contenders.

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Arts & Life Cooking Corner

Mushroom Barley Soup

Katie Mancino | The Bucknellian
Katie Mancino | The Bucknellian
Mushroom Barley Soup
Per cup: 117 calories, 2 g fat, 22 g carbs, 5 g protein
Makes 10 servings
This has always been one of my favorite soups because it’s rich and hearty. It’s also a fantastic soup for anyone trying to stick to low glycemic index foods since barley is incredibly healthy and a slow acting carb. Use whatever spices you like to get the taste you want; that’s the great thing about soup, you can customize it to taste exactly how you want it to! If you want more protein in your soup you could easily add in some red kidney beans.

Ingredients:
1 Tbsp olive oil
1 cup diced carrots
1 cup diced onion
1 cup diced celery
1 cup shiitake mushrooms
1 cup baby bella mushrooms
1/2 Tbsp each of rosemary, oregano and garlic powder
(optional: 1 tsp red chili flakes for spice)
4 cups low sodium vegetable stock
8 cups water
1 cup uncooked barley
1/2 cup Silk Light Original Soymilk
Directions:
1. Over medium high heat, sauté onions, carrots, celery and olive oil for 5 minutes.
2. Add mushrooms, spices and 1 cup vegetable stock. Cook another 5 minutes.
3. Add remaining stock, water and barley. Lower heat to medium and cook for 25 minutes.
4. When barley is fully cooked, turn off heat. Stir in soymilk and enjoy!
Mushroom barley soup
Mushroom barley soup
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Arts & Life Cooking Corner Uncategorized

Peanut Butter Kiss Cookies

Peanut Butter Kiss Cookies

58 calories, 3 g fat, 8 g carbs, 2 g protein

The holidays might be over, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy this classic holiday cookie–and in a healthy way! The average peanut butter kiss cookie has 123 calories, 7 grams of fat, 13 grams of carbs and 3 grams of protein. This recipe cuts down by using light peanut butter, Truvia and egg whites, as well as a mini muffin tin to ensure perfect portioning.

Ingredients

2 Tbsp creamy peanut butter

4 Tbsp Better’n Peanut Butter

1/4 cup Truvia Baking Blend

1 egg white

15 Hershey’s Kisses

 

Directions

1. Heat oven to 350 F.

2. Beat all ingredients (except Hershey’s Kisses) together until well mixed.

3. Spray mini muffin tin with non-stick spray and add 1/2 tablespoon batter to each cup.

4. Bake for 10 minutes.

5. Press in Hershey’s Kisses as soon as cookies are done and enjoy!

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Arts & Life Books Review

“Anna Karenina” disappoints hopeful fans

 

Courtesy of Wikimedia CommonsKeira Knightley stars as Anna in "Anna Karenia".
Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
Keira Knightley stars as Anna in “Anna Karenia”.

By Carolyn Williams

There were many reasons I was dying to see Joe Wright’s “Anna Karenina” adaptation this holiday season. One, it’s my favorite novel. Two, I love Tom Stoppard’s writing, and three, I really like Russian history. But more than anything, I figured that with such an epically awesome plot, what could really go wrong?

A lot of things went wrong.

The complex storyline of Tolstoy’s “Anna Karenina” has been reduced to a succinct two-hour run time, but most of the cuts are tastefully done. The film opens in Moscow on the marital troubles of Stiva (Matthew Macfadyen) and Dolly Oblonsky (Kelly Macdonald). Unfortunately, Stiva has been caught sleeping with the children’s governess and in swoops his sister, Anna (Keira Knightley), from the glittering cultural center of St. Petersburg, to reconcile the pair. Disinterested in her own marriage to the dull civil servant, Karenin (Jude Law), Anna quickly repairs the surface-level damage within one unhappy family. She is afterwards convinced to attend a ball, where Dolly’s little sister, Kitty, expects to be proposed to by the dashing young officer of the moment, Count Vronsky (Aaron Taylor-Johnson).

Meanwhile, Stiva’s best friend, the wholesome farmer, Levin, has come into Moscow for the express purpose of proposing to Kitty as well, only to find her interest completely dominated by Vronsky, who, in turn, is captivated by the sophisticated and aloof Anna. Our heroine arrives at the ball dressed daringly in black and completely steals Kitty’s frilly white thunder. One passionate dance seals the deal, which breaks Kitty’s heart and paves the way to Anna’s ruined reputation.

To describe “Anna” in three hundred words or less is criminal, but basically, Vronksy and Anna, once they’ve begun their affair, cannot be kept apart, and are forced to make brutal choices and undergo heartbreaking sacrifice, with their decisions informed by strict nineteenth-century Russian convention. As a woman, Anna is specifically condemned by her peers for doing publicly what everyone else does privately. One character puts things in perspective for the film’s modern audience, as she says “I’d call on her if she only broke the law, but she broke the rules.”

One might say Wright broke a couple of rules in making this film too, but not in a positive way. In an obvious attempt to distance himself from traditional literary adaptations, Wright has set the action of the film in a falling apart theatre and most of the scenes take place on stage or in the wings. Though the film is, at times, visually breathtaking, after the first hour, I couldn’t help but feel Wright was trying too hard. The choreographed movements of the extras certainly lend to the feeling of circumscribed social rules, but they simultaneously anesthetize much of the human flaw, which is so huge a part of the story.

It doesn’t help that Wright gets little support from his lead actors. Taylor-Johnson gives a wholly superficial performance as Vronksy and you almost feel bad watching Knightley try (and fail) to carry their whole romance herself. Maybe in a different version of this story, she could have given a better performance; I’m really not sure. Fortunately for everyone, McFayden’s Oblonksy delights us as he mischievously offers warm-hearted comic relief in spades.

The plot of “Anna Karenina” is moved largely by an undeniable love, but Wright has minimized that love almost beyond recognition. His film feels more like a story you know you’ve heard before, but somewhere along the line, someone who was only half-listening misinterpreted some critical information. But hey, if nothing else, at least it’s got a shot for Best Costumes this Oscar season, right?