Category: Columns

Stacey Lace

Columnist

For Valentine’s Day, my boyfriend from high school used to send me a dozen flowers for each year we’d been dating. By our last V-Day together, I managed to get 36 gorgeous red roses out of him.

I’m not trying to sound spoiled (although I clearly am), but even I think that might be going a little overboard. I’m just not sure that Feb. 14, and Feb. 14 alone, is the only day in a year that chicks should whip out the see-through red lace lingerie or guys should plan romantic dates with chocolate and flowers.

I know that the whole origin of V-Day was for St. Valentine, the martyr. That’s great and everything, but now it feels like an excuse to find somebody to fool around with for a couple weeks in the middle of the winter.

For someone lucky enough to have a date to a party tonight, I realize I sound pretty cynical of a holiday all about love. I just don’t know why we have to save up all our romanticism and passion for one night.

It’s not as if V-Day is even the sexiest day of the year. Seriously, think about it. There’s New Year’s, when you can ring in a new sex partner. July has Independence Day, where fireworks can get anyone hot. St. Patty’s day is a great time to “Kiss me, I’m Irish.” My personal favorite sexy holiday is Columbus Day, you know, so you can discover a “new world.” To each his own, I guess.

Regardless of being a poorly-placed holiday seemingly meant for bundling up and not stripping down, V-Day is just so purposeless.

I’d like to think that we could all just tone down V-Day so it can be v-day instead, but I realize that a lot of people won’t stand for that. Cutting back doesn’t have to be a big deal. A couple could easily skip the big night out for a cozy night in together and save the fine wining and dining for a night in April when we don’t have to wear parkas.

Also, I live in a dorm room; where am I supposed to put three dozen roses? I’m also a plant killer. Honestly, I look at plants and they die. The cost-to-benefit analysis of V-Day roses just doesn’t prove to be worth it.

Give me a simple box of chocolates and I promise I won’t be just a V-Day fling. I’ll stick around until Columbus Day for a little late-night lovin’.

By Stacey Lace

Columnist

Last semester, I explained exactly what is a half-night stand. I know some of you found it funny that I actually had a term for such a phenomenon and others found it appalling that this kind of behavior even exists. Regardless, no one can deny the fact that the half-night stand eliminates worrying about “breakfast etiquette.”

I like to think of good breakfast etiquette as the Emily Post way to gracefully handle the morning after situation. I’ll be honest, after hearing stories from my friends of both genders and different sexual orientations, it seems the awkwardness of the morning after is inevitable.

I started thinking about breakfast etiquette when I heard from a friend that she doesn’t come home the morning after until three requirements have been met:

She has been fed breakfast.

She has had a massage.

She is given a ride.

While I am a diva, I’m not sure that these stipulations should be the standard in every situation. If you’re not in a relationship, I understand that it may not make sense to have an over-the-top morning routine for a one-nighter with no future; however, maybe a little something could be expected.

For example, if you end up spending your late evening and early morning in a mod, at least a bowl of cereal can be managed. (For future reference, I prefer Strawberry Frosted Mini Wheats; they’re just so pink!) If you’ve got a fully functioning kitchen and can’t even get cereal together, why do you bother living so far away from the rest of campus?

Once sleepovers grow to be habitual enough that bacon, eggs and toast are expected, I think roommates could even coordinate their efforts. I’m just saying one person cooks on Saturdays and the other on Sundays. It just seems more efficient that way (same cost, greater benefit).

As for those lacking a kitchen, maybe a quick breakfast date in the Bison would suffice? If you have the time and want to get a little classier you could take your honey down to Zelda’s, Kiely’s or Cherry Alley.  There’s just something so nice about doing the Sunday crossword together.

As for my friend’s feelings about massages and rides home, maybe you should only bother with a massage when you’re in a relationship or a licensed masseuse, and a ride home is always key.

And a few last words: No relationship, no kitchen–-no breakfast. Let’s not make our expectations completely unrealistic.

By Stacey Lace

Columnist

I recently received a letter pleading with me to write about interracial relationships on campus. It seems that our romantic lives are lacking diversity. For example, the most diverse person I’ve ever dated here was from Canada. I know, you think it’s funny, eh?

Based on my sudden realization that I lack what others have, I had to employ the help of my friend, Whitney*. Whitney is commonly referred to as what some would call a strawberry blonde, or, what I call, Ginger Lite (GL for short).

During our first year, Whitney met and started dating Kushal*, an Indian electrical engineer. Kushal has since graduated, but he and Whitney are still together and have a simultaneously normal and dysfunctional relationship.

Some things I’d like to let you know about Whitney, so you can truly understand the context of this relationship:

Whitney has informed me that blonde guys turn her on (Kushal is pretty much the anti-blonde).

AND

She has a difficult time imagining her hair on her future half-Indian children’s heads (in reality, if she and Kushal were to have children, they probably wouldn’t look even slightly like her).

While these facts are seemingly pointless, they show how important Kushal’s personality is rather than Whitney’s prior ideas. Other than the ginger Indian children thing, Whitney has never once raised a concern to me about Kushal’s heritage. Her concerns are more along the lines of “he never visits me” or “Kushal is drunk dialing me from the street and a homeless man is walking him home.”

Whitney and Kushal have the same concerns in their long-distance relationship as the rest of us. When he doesn’t call, Whitney wonders what he’s up to and if he’s letting his partying ways get the best of him. When Whitney and I go out, she has to fight the same temptations I’m free to indulge in.

According to the College Board, 77 percent of University students are white. This doesn’t necessarily allow for a whole lot of on-campus interracial action. However, if Whitney and Kushal can find love of the same sweet, yet strange, kind as same-race couples, then there’s hope for all of us to find someone.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve learned a lot about relationships from Whitney and Kushal. While they have problems in their relationship, not one of those problems is related to their difference in race. Their problems are centered on their bad habits, bouts with trust, and the constant feeling of missing each other.

Maybe we should all take a hint from the two of them, put our racial blinders on and find love wherever we can.

*Names have been changed.

By Stacey Lace

Columnist

With dreary weather and finals weighing us down, we shouldn’t completely ignore the upcoming farewell sex season. It’s a great opportunity to blow off a little pre-winter break steam.

As we enter the Yule season with the hopes of snow and presents, let’s hope for a bit of action in the bedroom to keep us from getting bored.

What better way to prepare ourselves for break than with a little bit of steamy finals sex?  Take a short break from studying notes for your Human Sexuality final and do a little practical studying. Even if you’re not taking anything related to anatomy, a spicy hiatus from the library can do us all some good.

Let’s be clear; I’m not saying that you should all run out and have sex with anyone willing just because you’re stressed out by finals week, but tapping it a little more frequently leading up to break may help to relieve your tension.

For those of us in committed relationships, a month can seem like a long time to be away from our sig. figs. (significant figures/others). My thought is that you might as well do it while the opportunity exists so you don’t regret it when you’re stuck at home with only your hand to console you.

If you’re not dating somebody, finding a finals friend might not be a bad idea. What do I think is the ideal quality in a finals buddy? Isn’t it obvious? A similar exam schedule!

Don’t worry, my sexually active friends! If you already have a steady hookup, I haven’t forgotten about you. While you’ve kept it pretty casual for a while now, you too should make sure you’re getting some quality sheet time in since you’ll be stuck miles and miles apart. Even the late night “Hey, what’s up?” text won’t be able to bring you together over break.

In all seriousness though, sex is truly a great form of stress relief and endorphin release.  You and I both know of one professor we have that could use a good fuel injection. With that in mind, getting a little frisky in between finals isn’t such a bad idea.

Here’s an added bonus for the ladies: lowered stress causes fewer wrinkles! Men, less stress for you means you can hold off balding just a little bit longer. If these aren’t good reasons to take a roll in the hay, then I don’t know what is.

And a little sexual health tip just for the holidays — in December, don’t forget to gift wrap your member!

Stacey Lace

Columnist

I’ll be honest—I like getting laid as much as you do, but every time I get down and dirty with an ex, it ends in a really sticky situation. You know, the kind of situations where you inevitably have to return some article of clothing that you stole so you didn’t have to walk home cold in the middle of the night (or, from the other side, where you have to continuously chase down said article of clothing).

We all get those “I haven’t done it in a while and I think it’s time. Maybe I should shoot my ex a booty call text” feelings once in a while. What we should realize is that while the idea always starts off well, it can often lead us into dangerous territory.

Prior to the ex sex-text, I know that I only think about one consequence—the actual sex. I don’t really like to dwell on the ex. To be frank, ex sex is about 99 percent about the sex and one percent about the ex. The ex is really just a convenient animalistic outlet for those times when your hormones are feeling a little lonely.

This indifference to the ex is what I think leads us to the awkward part of awkward ex sex. Usually, I like to put a little inebriation into the equation to soften the blow, but somehow it never fails to prevent the half-night stand.

Half-night stand: (n.) a shortened version of the one-night stand; leaving a sexual partner’s bedside before morning, typically before the partner wakes (Dlugatch & Eitches, “Daily Californian,“ Sept. 7, 2004)

Half-night stands are the perfect way to minimize the awkwardness. It doesn’t eliminate it completely, but I think it’s lessened.

I just hate the GIG (Good morning, Immediate Goodbye) aspect of the wake up. I find the GIG to be the epitome of the awkward part of awkward ex sex. Once I’ve sobered up, I just can’t imagine wanting to spend any time with the ex talking about our feelings or what last night meant. I was just horny and the skills I know he possesses drew me in.

I also find it’s a lot easier to get a ride home at 2 or 3 a.m. than in the wee hours of the morning. Most people don’t like being woken up at dawn because their friends can’t keep it in their pants.

I look forward to the coming weekends for the sole reason of not having any ex sex. Just seeing them around campus is awkward enough; why would I want to add sex to that mix when I can avoid the repeat experience with someone new?