Tag: Wiley Jack

By Jack Wiles

Columnist

People these days, including myself, generally suck at reading. Our attention span as a society seems to be getting worse than that of a rat. So, for this week, I give you a list. This is the “Bucknell Bucket List”; essentially, this is me telling all four members of my readership what they should do before they leave Lewisburg. Take it as seriously as you want, but keep in mind, you probably shouldn’t.

1. Get naked.College is the one time where going streaking, skinny dipping or surprising a friend with your unfurled glory as they walk into a room is completely acceptable. It’s also hilarious for both males and females.

2. Rock a tank top. Most of us don’t look good in tank tops, especially me. My shoulders are so narrow that I would definitely be mistaken for a female if I had longer hair. (I already have been!) But, who cares? Let your guns out and look like you party because the real world will not allow you to look like a dunce.

3. Take a philosophy class. Ever seen “Animal House”? This should be enough explanation. Inside of our fingernail, there are a million different galaxies, man…

4. Put salt on a slug. I did this much earlier than college, but hey, you’ve got to do it some time and you definitely will not want to do it in front of your boss. Shrivel that slug! Maybe even make it cooler and prepare a sacrificial pyramid, Mayan style.

5. Go to wing night. This one is serious.< Lewisburg Hotel’s wings are the shit.

6. Spend a weekend sober. Guys, this is a comedy column. This form of comedy is called sarcasm.

7. Have a political argument. You don’t have to know anything about what you’re talking about, but make yourself feel smart. Pretend like you care. As in my case, Ron Paul 2012!

8. Go to a neighboring Central Pennsylvania town. This experience to me, as I feel it would be for most people reading this, was astonishing. People say the University isn’t diverse? This is absolute crap. At least we experiment with different gene pools.

9. Take a shower in the Bison. A friend of mine did this and loved it. Make sure you walk there in only a robe, or see number one on this list.

10. Leave a floater in a public bathroom. If you don’t know what this means, I’m just not going to explain it.

If you think I left anything out or have any ideas for next week, tweet me about it @Improvize.

Jack Wiles

Columnist

And so it begins. I have the life of a second semester senior and those idiots with The Bucknellian decided to give me a column. The only people that may read this are our lovely Dining Services staff. They care about me–I’m always offered pickles. Who else would care about what I have to say? For those who do happen to read this, I’ll start with a few things to set the stage about me, being quite blunt: I don’t understand many things about society, my mind is silly at best and I still, and will always, find poop jokes funny. Now, with introductions aside, let us examine a day in the life of a second semester senior.

I wake up, super dehydrated, wearing the same clothes I had on from last night with a smiley face drawn with mud on my shirt. I look at the clock: 12:04 p.m. Damn, I missed lunch. No worries, I’ll either eat a double dinner or go to Taco Bell where I can stuff my face for $3.21 (with tax, of course). Next, I take a lengthy amount of time in the bathroom as I’m moving quite sluggishly. When I’m on the john, I notice that I spent far too much money at the bar last night. I was there? Who was I even with? Oh well, that’s beyond the point. It was obviously fun. After consuming copious amounts of Taco Bell, it is time for me to attend class. Wait, who am I kiddin’? I under-loaded this semester, so there’s no chance I have class on Thursday! “Silly Wiles …” I say aloud to myself.

The next few hours vary individually, depending on personal traits and interests. This is typically the time where I’ll watch a Mitch Hedberg stand-up special, go thrifting, shoot bottle rockets at a squirrel or think about the possibility that giant squids will one day take over the world. Dinner happened at some point in all of that. Other people may do school work or go to the gym, but I figure that I can do the first option some other time.

The next thing I remember goes something like this: I wake up, super dehydrated, but this time I’m naked with a few “veiny triumphant bastards” etched all over my face. I look at the clock, 2:31 p.m. Damn, I missed lunch, and all of my classes, and an exam. I will never drink. Never … ever … again.