Ben Rees
Columnist
The world is a cruel place and this November, our nation has an election that many believe will change things. Both sides of the political spectrum have incessantly bombarded the populace with terms, ideas and goals that are supposed to make citizens feel like the situation will get better. The reason these promises mean nothing is because our nation is made up of embittered voters and non-voters who complain about every promise political folk fall short of fulfilling.
The general populace needs to be a bit more imaginative; maybe everything politicians say isn’t a lie, and even if it is, let’s go along with it for a little while. Perhaps, if I may be so bold, my loyal fans will oblige me and permit me to weave them a dream of what our country could be.
In my America, nobody sues for dumb reasons. If a woman spills coffee on herself while driving, she won’t be able to sue because the cup doesn’t say “Caution: Hot.” Rather, she will understand that gnarled, rheumatic hands should stay on the steering wheel of her Buick instead of holding a Styrofoam cup; cup holders exist for a reason.
In a perfect America, Christina Aguilera is still cool, and sharks have eaten the entire staff of TLC. Our nation’s goal is to propagate intelligence, and television like “Dance Moms” has a quota instated on it. This means that those who watch smut TV for more than 20 hours per week will be zapped with a cattle prod by a government-sponsored agent. That’s what I call welfare.
I believe in an America with change … machines on every street corner, so no person will ever have to worry about parking violations. I believe in an America where nobody has to hope that he or she will win Norah Jones tickets. Instead, we will all be able to sit and hear her warble.
In this dream, no longer is America reliant on fossil fuels because sustainable energy is synthesized from a mixture of wind, solar rays and Obama’s basketball game sweat. Milk and honey flows from every sink, while energy drinks have been banned from stores for causing long-lasting testicular shrinkage–people understand no drink is worth turning grapes to raisins.
I believe in an America where words really do matter. All campaign speeches have to start with an original joke, and if nobody laughs, they cannot continue. How much cooler would Romney be if we believed he wasn’t a robot? The word “gubernatorial” would also be scrapped from the dictionary because nobody wants to vote on a goober.
All these ideas would make America so much better. Things would run more smoothly, and I truly believe we would all be happier. This November, dream away, because no matter who gets elected, a lot of things will stay shitty.
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