(I would like to preface this by reminding everyone that this is a humor column; I understand fully that these storms are very serious and I mean to be sarcastic, not offensive. I have chosen my words very carefully in order to be respectful.)
Although this column won’t be published until post-Sandy, I would like to think about the upcoming tempest. After staring at the imposing skies, all I can stress is how glad I am that Doppler radar exists–and that I’m not a pilgrim.
I cannot imagine the day prior to a hurricane without any sort of warning mechanisms. My grandfather’s rickety knee or a salty sea dog’s grumblings wouldn’t help to calm me down if something like this were on its way. If I were to return home from a long day on the farm–which consisted of shucking a couple bushels of corn, adjusting my horrendously uncomfortable clothes and digging the birthing trench for my seventh child, only to find that three sheep had been snagged by rustlers–then the last thing I would want is to be hit by a hurricane.
The main message of my temporal ramblings is to illustrate how fantastically fortunate we are because we are not still fighting off natural disasters with rain dances. If we can learn nothing from Dennis Quaid’s astonishing performance in “The Day After Tomorrow,” aside from Jake Gyllenhaal’s early peak, then we must be aware that severe weather is a force to be reckoned with. Even though we don’t have things nearly as bad as the pilgrims, we still need to be prepared for natural disasters. That means a few things.
One: Go to Costco. Nothing is nearly as comforting as knowing that you have enough pizza bagels and Gatorade to get through the worst. While there, don’t hesitate to push other shoppers around. This suggestion is even more important when dealing with the $5 movie bin. Nobody’s well-being is worth missing out on two copies of “Bad Boys II.”
Two: Buy yourself a kayak. It will provide you with a method of flotation and amusement. As we found out last year, nothing is quite as fun as paddling through ruined college housing and raw sewage. It reveals a sense of greater perspective.
Three: Don’t worry about Avicii. His music won’t sound any worse underwater. Isn’t “Levels” about watersheds anyways?
Four: Prepare for power outages. This may sound routine, but when is the last time we went a day without our phones? You only have so many hours of mobile Netflix, so please, please use them carefully. Also, for heaven’s sake, go on Facebook and tell everyone about the storm. Because phone and laptop batteries may die, nobody will comprehend what is happening outside unless they are bombarded with Sandy statuses.
All jokes aside, this storm is scary. It should be over by the time this is published, and I greatly hope that nobody has been affected too adversely. Famous British actor Sir Peter Ustinov said “Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” In this very serious situation, I hope that everyone still can find the time to laugh at something, and whether or not it is my column, let’s hope things come out all right.