I’d like to use this bit of space to send a big shout out to the local police for their diligent and productive policing. Some may despise them for being overzealous, but no one can deny their skills in pumping out underage citations, and that it is truly admirable. Their ability to track and breathalyze loud or stumbling students is unparalleled. Never mind the fact that the sidewalks have not been redone since ’Nam, all of that tax money should just keep flowing to the police department to fund its supercharged cars. It’s clear that it needs them since so many students need to be driven back to their dorms. A simple Crown Victoria just will not do!
We have been a disruption to this fine police force for too long. We the students need to start taking simple steps to make the local police department’s job easier. This crisis needs to stop, and it falls on us to sacrifice our personal liberties. This is what I propose. Since local police clearly care about our well-being so much, we should help them identify anyone who is at risk off-campus. Every major party night, student-run breathalyzer stations will be set up on all major corners along Sxith and Seventh Street. Everyone is subject to being stopped and breathalyzed. Students must carry proper identification
at all times so underage students can’t hide. Windows must not be blocked so police can immediately break up any gathering before it turns into a party. These simple and reasonable steps will only help make the University the most sober campus in the country, since the local police think this is the right strategy! Once police put pesky college kids in their place, they can finally spend time doing more important things, like, I don’t know, maybe cracking down on the growing meth problem in central Pennsylvania, stopping lunatics from carrying guns on the streets, or maybe even setting up DUI checkpoints on Route 15. But hey, at least they’re hunting kids down who consume a few drinks, then safely walk home. That’s a very important job.
Now, more than ever, the University’s students have the opportunity to graduate with not just a great education, wonderful friends, and permanent memories, but also a criminal record. I’m sure we can all sympathize with the police since underage drinking is such an epidemic for the town. I can’t even imagine a grown person having a few beers and laughs, then walking back to their room. This tragedy must be stopped and there is no one better at it than our local police.
All jokes aside, I do make major concessions. We as University students need to take steps to be safer. I like going out as much as most of this campus does, but hospitalizations for excess drinking and vandalization of residential properties are serious problems. That being said, if local police are truly concerned for our well-being, then they must realize that busting every party and stopping every student on Friday nights is not the solution. Fixing this problem will require both sides to come together to make a reasonable agreement. In our modern day society, and especially on a college campus, citing every person who reeks of beer is ridiculous. Let us be hung over and let us make regrettable decisions, because the best way to learn is through experience. Having big brother demand us not to do something is not the solution. It only makes everyone’s lives tougher. Unfortunately, cops and students are in the same boat. A storm is brewing on the horizon and we must change course now.