People think July is the most patriotic month because it has the Fourth of July. In reality, after that holiday, nothing about July really screams America. July actually sucks because it is perpetually humid and the only sporting events on are baseball games, Wimbledon, and the Tour de France. They only allow whites at Wimbledon—and when has “whites only” been an American thing? It’s too early to care about baseball, and the Tour is only interesting when someone gets run over in a stampede of Euro-trash cyclists. The French girls always look snooty too. I’ll take AJ McCarron’s girlfriend over them any day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
November is easily the most American month. First of all, college football reaches its peak with all of the rivalry games. These games represent everything great about America. For starters, they bring back interstate aggression. At football games, Missouri fans constantly mock Kansas fans over “Bleeding Kansas,” when Missouri slave owners killed hundreds of abolitionists in Kansas before the Civil War even started. In Oklahoma, we are reminded just how far capitalist success can get you in this country. Billionaire T. Boone Pickens has donated over $400 million to Oklahoma State, allowing the team to attract the nation’s best players with a state-of-the-art venue, illegal cash deals, and a plethora of other gifts.
By November people stop gushing over colorful leaves and pumpkin spiced lattes, and it is still too early for everything to get wrapped in a bow or have peppermint sticks dipped in it. November has none of that frilly Hallmark nonsense, only remembrance of veterans and a celebration of the harvest.
Veteran’s Day is Memorial Day without the start-of-summer distractions. And we don’t have to wear flowers on our lapels like Canadians or Brits, so that’s nice too.
Thanksgiving is the most American celebration of all. You get to gorge yourself at
four in the afternoon and then get in fights with your extended family. The Dallas Cowboys and Detroit Lions always play at home, which is fitting. The Cowboys are America’s team and play in a billion-dollar stadium. Detroit leads the nation in violent crime, aggravated assault, and murder.
Speaking of murder, there are also the pilgrims. Not only did they abolish socialism in America, they innovated the American idea of “do-it-yourself.” The original Mayflower contract made everything in Plymouth communal. Every man had an equal share in everything; it was Karl Marx’s wet dream. But after basically all of them died they went every man for themselves. Capitalism worked and soon the colony grew. Newcomers did not have it easy. First, they had to do away with the lazy tree huggers squatting on their land. In a way it was the first battle against Occupy Wall Street.
That’s November, I guess. Yeah I just rambled a bit but whatever. Get a flu shot. Thank you veterans.